I CAN

I still remember when I first learned about Ironman and learned about Team Hoyt almost 10 years ago....I decided to go back this morning and watch the first video I ever saw of this amazing team.   I find it inspiring (who wouldn't) but also serves as a reminder as I enter these final days before the race. That remembrance is that 'I CAN".  I can do all things...... Its been five (5) years since I tackled Ironman and can say this time around was very different.  Motivated by different goals, different set up support networks, different ability to focus on the work at hand....and yet somehow, race day is still upon me and whether or not I think I am ready...its time to start believing that I am and that I CAN.  

To say I love my kids is the world's greatest understatement....ever.  They are the foundation of just about everything I do.  And while I love them equally, they each have brought to my life lessons they may or may not even realize, lessons about how we live and what is possible.  I hope I have taught them a little along the way as well, and like Dick Hoyt, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for them.    

Abigail is my lesson of unending courage--she's braver than she knows.  She is braver than most of the world knows.  Of course, I suppose it started as I watched her navigate her illness (for those who don't know-she was diagnosed with MD at the age of six (6)--was told she may not see her 15th bday)-- doctor visits, hospital stays, medications, needles, biopsies, tests, etc.  Always a smile...even through those chubby cushingoid cheeks as the effects of her medications took their toll on her little body...but always a smile.  And a gratitude...as she watched her dear friend struggle with even more serious issues she would often comment, "Mommy....aren't we so lucky!"  

"Yes, Abby.  We are." 

Even today, as clearly that one doctor was wrong--she'll be 16 in January, she exudes an outer strength that I know overcomes her inner fear.  She pushes forward.  Hits it head on.  Always a smile--even if its manufactured until an authentic one shows up.  I take from her courage because I have fear and trepidation about the race.  I worry about the temperature, the course, my ability, the time cut offs....all of it.  Fearful.  But, I look at Abby, I remember what courage and strength look like and I say...'I CAN' As we were booking our flights and lodging for Tahoe, she sat by my side, excited about the trip (and a couple days off school!) and said, with that same childish innocence I saw when she was six, "Mom...aren't we lucky!"

"Yes, Abby...we are."

Aidan teaches me the lessons of laughter and levity.  She literally lights up a room when she bounces in--and I do mean bounce.  She is carefree, energetic and kind.   She defines "Carpe Diem"!  I have been told by many she is my mini-me and I'm never more aware than when the highs switch to lows and then back again.  I watch (sometimes in frustration) and think....why would you be down or low at a time like this--we have so much to be thankful for....just ask your sister!  LOL.  But I do the same....so I learn through observation.  She has struggled lately with the change of school, difficulty in course work, returning to routine after summer, etc. but more often than not can find the joy in the things she does.  I've been a bit grumpy lately as well on many fronts.  Grumpy comes from worry and worry causes fluctuations in the optimistic outlook we all strive for....and I seem to spend more time on worry, stress and fear than an Aidan-like "in the moment" outlook.  I forget the "fun"--sometimes its easy to do.  And it never feels good when she reminds me, "I'm not always the fun Mom"!  So as I watch her....I remember to find mine!  I do triathlon because it is fun.  Maybe not all the time (what is) but more enjoyment than anything else....so FUN!  I do this because I CAN!  

My girls will be with me on race day, along with my parents and my Iron-Angel Heidi Moore! Without them there, it would be pointless.  And while Ironman has changed the rules about the finisher chute and they can no longer cross the finish line with me, I will make sure they know we all crossed it together in spirit---because when we are together, there is nothing the three of us CANNOT do--and I want them to remember it as well.  

This Ironman started out with the plan of being my "comeback" race.  LOL....comeback from what I'm not really sure...comeback from derailment, comeback from laziness, comeback from sadness, comeback from ....... ???  I thought I would return to the athletic shape I was in when I raced 06-08.  I thought I would log every calorie, every mile, every power file, every swim, bike, run I put out there.  I didn't--maybe too much stress, too little time, too much Darryl-ing,  but what I did accomplish was return to my love of the sport, my love of the people in it (well most of them), and my love of pushing my limits to remind me that there is very little I CANNOT do....and a whole big world of things I CAN do.  Its one day.  Its one race.  Its one reminder that in all things...I CAN.