I have spent the last five days with my family---the blood related group. :-). I specify only because I take my other "family by choice" quite seriously. Fortunately for me, I am crazy about both so this has been a good week. I will say it took a bit for us to adjust to each others styles--when you see each other so infrequently it can be tough. After all, we all have a way of doing things and in true Sajben style, we of course think our own way is right....you can see the potential conflict here....but no major bumps and we're grooving along just fine now. What's interesting to me is all of us were so looking forward to the trip....everything looked good on paper...and yet, small adjustments we're required. I'm finding that to be very true lately.
Seems like a "no duh" kind of statement doesn't it.....what seems ideal on paper may not be....unless it feels good in your heart. I started to think back on how many times I was in a situation, job or relationship that seemed ideal, all the parts seemed to fit together just right, it appeared to give me all that was needed and yet....something was not quite right. Sometimes I come to that conclusion on my own....sometimes others come to it for me (when this happens I've noticed, it's much more difficult for me because I'm not in control. Sad...but true) .....either way, that momentum comes to an end and a different path is ferreted out and chosen. The stone keeps on rolling.....
Each of my job changes fall into this category....every time I left a place of employment I was leaving a "good job". Many people may have scratched their head and asked..."WHY would you leave such a great place?" or "That would be my DREAM job"....and yet it was no longer right for me.
Or even bigger than jobs...what about reltionships or my marriage? Ultimately, if a relationship comes to an end, its the result of something not feeling good in someone's heart. Not to belittle the pain of divorce or a broken family (and believe me its still VERY much there for me) but how many times have you heard a story of the "ideal or perfect" family ( 2.2 kids, white picket fence, cute dog, etc) where things weren't so "perfect". There is no perfect. It's a constant effort of communicating and trying to understand, deliver and receive what feels good....in your heart. You can rationalize the "paper" side (logic/brain/whatever): "well this makes sense, this is what experts say will work, or this is acceptable by some pre-defined standard." But if it ain't jiving in the heart area...the head ain't gonna win in the long haul.
Perhaps this is simply the definition of change. Things change. Jobs change. People change. Or.....is it me?
Maybe I suffer a little attention deficit in my life---constantly looking for change or something new, different, or sparkly? Rollin, rollin, rollin....... Believe me, I've given this a lot of thought. I want to believe that it is just part of the journey. Change is rarely easy but sometimes necessary. A rolling stone gathers no moss right? However, this stone is actually ready to be a tad mossy. Perhaps green is my color?
I am ready to be still. That's actually quite a tall order for this "young" lady. :-) Many of you many have even chuckled out loud at that.....my definition of "still" may need some work. But I am ready...at least in my heart. I am ready to focus on work, family, home and friends. I have some work trips scheduled but really can't muster up much more "going" and "doing". In the simplest
terms...I am tired. Tired like I could go to bed tomorrow and wake up next year.....good and mossy!
I am tired or trying to figure out what looks good on paper, I am tired of trying to figure out what is "suppose" to happen next, I am tired of trying to BE on the next square of the game when I am not ready. My dear friend, John Gustafson told me yesterday "Just Chill.....". It hit me square in the eyes as truth...and to the best of my ability, it's EXACTLY what I am going to do (or at least try) to do.
